Guy Went to Pick Up His Baby From His Ex
Love Therapist: I'm Dating a Divorced Man With Kids, and It's Harder Than I Thought
His ex-wife is constantly texting and calling him about problems with their kids, and I tin can't assistance but feel annoyed.
Editor's Note: Every Monday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers virtually their problems, big and small. Accept a question? Email her at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.
Dear Therapist,
I've been dating Adam for two and a one-half years. I'm 33 and childless, and he'south 48, divorced, and the father of three kids. Nosotros seem to keep having the same fights most his needy ex-wife and the negative impact she has on our human relationship.
Despite my wish to appear mature and chill, I take a potent distaste for the ex-wife. She doesn't work, and she collects disability from the authorities and spousal support and child support from Adam. She attaches herself to every disquiet for which she tin can observe a symptom, and is on all kinds of medication. The kids' main residence is with her, and Adam has the kids a few days a calendar week. The ex constantly sends Adam texts about the kids, from mundane details to complaints about their behavior. Quite often she calls Adam hoping that he can "fix them straight." I'thou certain that she'southward the cause of all that anarchy, because the kids never become out of control with Adam, and I've only seen them be pleasant.
Every time Adam's ringtone goes off, my stomach churns because I feel so violated and intruded on by her. Adam knows how I feel and tries to handle these situations without hurting my feelings, but information technology'south really hard to care for the kids while keeping the ex out because she has completely tied herself to the kids. Adam and I love each other deeply and cherish being in each other'due south lives, but a shadow of the ex-wife seems to loom over and create tension betwixt us. I try hard non to feel like a victim in all of this because I understand that information technology'southward my selection to be with him, just I can't aid feeling robbed of something that should exist mine. I'g open to any suggestions and perspectives.
Ginger
Rochester, New York
Dear Ginger,
Although Adam's ex-married woman doesn't seem to be handling things well—and I tin can imagine how disruptive her texts are—this is too an issue betwixt you and Adam, and there are several means to make this situation work better. Some of them are practical, which I'll get to in a minute. Merely others will require you lot both to talk about your expectations in this relationship.
While you want to be with Adam, yous must understand that the person you're in honey with is somebody who has a family. He comes with his children, and his children come with their mother. There'south no such thing as Adam without them—that version of Adam simply doesn't exist. And when a person who doesn't accept firsthand experience as a parent becomes romantically involved with a divorced parent, he or she can struggle to empathise the parent's feel and the directions he or she is pulled in, both emotionally and logistically.
Information technology sounds similar Adam is trying to delight everyone and ends upwards feeling trapped. If he doesn't respond to his ex's calls for help with the kids, he might worry that they aren't okay and that he'south neglecting their needs. But if he does respond, he might worry that he's making you experience aroused or unimportant. Ultimately, he responds non because he doesn't care virtually your human relationship, merely considering, similar it or not, his kids are his priority.
If you tin brainstorm to actually accept and ultimately comprehend the reality that his kids come first without taking it personally, so you and Adam tin can sit downward and effigy out what can be done to improve the situation with their mother. I option might be for Adam and his ex to see a therapist who tin can help them navigate their co-parenting arrangement, creating parameters and offer tools for handling the kids when his ex is lone with them. If it turns out that even with these parameters and tools, she's unable to care for the kids without calling for help, he can try to change the custody system until she works out her own issues and feels capable of caring for them solo. Just this would take time, involve conflict, and also mean that the kids would be more of a presence in your life—which brings me dorsum to the packet bargain I mentioned earlier.
I think you should consider how you feel nigh Adam's kids ii and a half years into this human relationship, because they aren't going anywhere. How well practice yous know them? How much time have you lot spent with them? On the days that Adam has the kids, are you lot there, too, or does Adam spend that time lonely with them? If you and Adam go married, these three kids will be your stepchildren, and my guess is that you lot don't know them very well, because kids—like people of all ages—aren't always "pleasant" and sometimes—over again, like adults—"go out of control." I imagine that they're going through their own struggles related to the divorce—adjusting to two homes, to their mother's less-than-stable situation, and as well, don't forget, to a woman in their dad'southward life. They may be "on" when they're around you, the fashion kids tend to be effectually people they don't know well, but if yous knew them on a deeper level, you might see more of a range of their internal experience, which probably has its ups and downs. Of form they'll be different around their mom; naturally, they'll find it easier to self-regulate in Adam'due south calmer, more stable household. But they aren't completely unlike people. Afterwards 2 and a half years, yous'd have seen some less-than-pleasant behavior if y'all were making a concerted try to integrate them into your life.
At the aforementioned time, I empathise that in an platonic earth, the kids would have a more stable and self-sufficient mother who wouldn't intrude on your fourth dimension with Adam. You say that yous experience "robbed of something that should be" yours, and while you absolutely should have some uninterrupted fourth dimension with Adam and parameters fix in identify, information technology will be important for you and Adam to talk almost his needs as well. For instance, he may miss his kids when they're with their mom and enjoy some of the "mundane" details his ex sends, even if he's bothered by her other calls and texts. He may welcome a goodnight call or text every single nighttime from his kids, even if yous're cuddled upwardly watching Netflix together or in the middle of a candlelit dinner. Parenting requires a lot of selflessness merely also has many rewards. Similarly, stepparenting requires a lot of selflessness and has the potential to come with rewards, just it also comes with a stipulation—one you accept to decide whether you can live with. And that'due south this: If y'all and his kids were drowning in the ocean, I tin can assure you that Adam would rescue his kids before you lot. You're going to have to embrace the fact that your fellow is a male parent and was earlier he met you, and if you want to be with him, you'll take to make peace with what it is y'all're signing upwards for.
Hopefully, Adam volition be willing to get some professional help in navigating his co-parenting situation, even if his ex-wife declines to participate with him. Only remember that you two have some navigating to do, too, in figuring out what your life together will look like in this blended family unit. Now's the time to be honest with each other about how he envisions yous fitting into his life in its entirety—kids and ex-wife included—and how you envision that happening as well. If yous aren't interested in working through the complications and many inconveniences that will surely arise, even one time this particular issue gets sorted out, you may want to think well-nigh dating someone without immature kids.
Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is non a substitute for professional person medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional person, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter of the alphabet, you are agreeing to permit The Atlantic use it—in function or in total—and nosotros may edit it for length and/or clarity.
Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/01/how-do-i-deal-my-boyfriends-ex-wife/581287/
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